Just Another Day in Orochimaru's Lair
by Padfoot is the Bomb
Summary: A little insight into the private life of Orochimaru during his 3-year training period with Sasuke. If you want to know about Itachi's other, less known job and the usefulness of two-way mirrors, read on! Funny little one-shot.


**A/N**: just a little drabble-type thing I thought up one night. Yeah, I guess it does end rather lamely, but I just ran out of inspiration! Nevertheless, please R&R!

**Disclaimer:** the Naruto world (pretty obviously) does not belong to me. Hell, I don't even speak Japanese.

Long, malformed shadows writhed across stark cream walls, projected from thin candles that held just a small orb of light each at their tips. The air was stale and still, the room dark and gloomy. Snakes slithered amongst jars containing all manner of hideous pickled creatures, coiled themselves around the legs of straight-backed wooden chairs, themselves a symbol of destroyed life. This was an evil place where dark agendas were discussed in whispers on stormy nights, where the cruellest punishments were enacted on poor tortured individuals, where –

'I think we should re-do the interior decoration, don't you? The place needs a little TLC,' Orochimaru, the infamous, super-evil, black-hearted protagonist of the Naruto world commented casually one day to his white-haired, four-eyed subordinate, Yakushi Kabuto. Kabuto turned the page of his magazine, which had the title "_PlayNinja -- Hers_" in Japanese splashed across it alongside an A4 size glossy picture of a very naked Uchiha Itachi making creative use of Hoshikagi Kisame's great sword. A sub-heading read "Uchiha Itachi – Not Afraid to Shed the Cloak!" in bright pink letters.

The issue had caused amazing controversy within the Orochimaru household as, predictably, all three shinobi were eager to get their hands on it for three different reasons. Sasuke wanted to burn it and pretend that an Uchiha had never even heard of the word "pornography", Orochimaru wanted to drool over it and Kabuto wanted to plaster it on the floors to make it easier to clean up the mess when Orochimaru moulted. Seeing as the three had almost come to blows over it, they had decided that the only sensible thing to do was just read it. Going in alphabetic order, Kabuto got this privilege first.

'Oh? What do you have in mind?' Kabuto said absently, tilting his head slightly to examine a page titled "Double Trouble – the Hyuga Twins Hizashi and Hiashi". He clicked his tongue in irritation. "Huh, the things shinobi can do with the CopyandPaste Technique these days…" he muttered to himself.

'Oh well, I thought, for a change, we'd go a little dark and eerie. Maybe a bit of purple on the floors, skeleton candles, a million or so rooms just in case Sasuke-kun needs a change of atmosphere now and then…what do you think of a mass of unnecessary pillars and creepy hidden dungeons?'

'Sure you're not being too radical?' Kabuto asked, raising an eyebrow. 'Such a change could be a shock to the system.'

'I'm sure we'll manage,' Orochimaru answered happily, missing Kabuto's sarcasm by a mile-and-a-half. The latter sighed heavily and pushed his glasses further up his nose. 'I wonder what Sasuke-kun would think of it?'

'I doubt he'd have much to say on the subject,' Kabuto shrugged. Orochimaru stuck his – 3 foot long – tongue out at him.

'Oh, you don't know that!' he protested. He sighed, absentmindedly swirling his Sasuke-flavoured! Ice cream (don't ask) around in its bowl. 'Where is he, anyway?'

'Who, Sasuke-kun?' Kabuto said, turning to the final page and smirking slightly at an article headed "Toys and Tools: Giant Scythes vs Playful Puppets" written by top contributors Sasori of the Red Sands and Hidan (an immortal ninja proficient in cussjutsu). 'In the shower…as you well know. That two-way mirror in your bedroom isn't going to fool him forever, you know.'

'Shhhhh!' Orochimaru chided urgently, pressing a finger to his lips. 'He'll hear you!' Kabuto chuckled but did not reply.

'D'you want it?' he asked after a few minutes, offering the magazine to Orochimaru. 'I've just finished.'

'Does it have any boys in their mid-teens or younger, about half my height with a panel detailing their unique super-powers?' Orochimaru inquired with some interest, sucking on his spoon. Kabuto rolled his eyes despairingly.

'Does Sasori count?'

'Yech, no!' Orochimaru exclaimed, screwing up his nose. 'I mean, come on, who even knows how far that wood _goes_? And there are some places where fancy weapon add-ons are _just not appropriate_! The only way he'd be keeping me warm at night is if I chopped him up and used him for firewood. '

Kabuto nodded. 'As someone who has first-hand experience with Sasori, I fully appreciate your objections.' Something moved in the corner of his eye and, quick as a flash, he whipped out a pair of…nostril plugs. 'You might want these,' he said to Orochimaru. Orochimaru raised his eyebrows quizzically but obediently took the nose plugs. A second or so later, Uchiha Sasuke appeared.

He was still wet, water rising in vaporous spirals from his steamy torso. Water dripped from his shampoo-advertisement hair in tiny sparkling droplets that ran down between his finely formed pectoral muscles, dipped and peaked over his rock-hard abdominal muscles and finally were mercilessly sucked into a white towel that hung tantalizingly loosely from his hips. His expression was cool and reserved, his eyes piercing. Orochimaru's nose plugs were instantly stained scarlet.

'Enjoyed your bath, Sasuke-kun?' Kabuto inquired calmly, making a mental note to purchase more nose plugs. Since the arrival of Sasuke, nose plugs had become a household essential, listed way up there with anti-bacterial soap and air freshener. Sasuke glared at his fellow subordinate.

'The water was cold,' he said stonily. 'Orochimaru's the one who needs cold showers, _not I_.'

'Pardon me. I thought a hot-headed fire elemental ninja like yourself could do with a little cold treatment once in a while.'

'That was hilarious. Do point me in the direction of the hidden spy camera.'

'Any other objections?'

'Those snakes in my bed aren't particularly attractive, either. They probably have lice.'

'I assure you all Orochimaru-sama's snakes are kept lice-free, Sasuke-kun.'

'Whatever, I don't care. Just get them out.'

'As you wish. Anything else, Sasuke-kun?'

'No,' Sasuke said, turning round to leave. He stopped at the doorway, however, as though he had just remembered something. 'Oh and you can tell Orochimaru,' he said, as though the man was not in the same room as him, 'that I shall start bathing in a wet suit if that mirror doesn't go by tomorrow latest. That's it.'

'Well, that was sooner than I expected,' Orochimaru said mournfully, after removing his nose plugs. Kabuto pushed his glasses up and smirked.

'I think perhaps even we tend to underestimate the _true_ power of the Sharingan sometimes.'


End file.
